The Eyes Of A Spectator

Look a little closer, there's no tears in her eyes.

My precious one left. All I'm left with is nothing.

For now.

I should get what I deserve, in a good way. Am I wrong? I must be wrong, Life's been shit.

Force that smile, be happy, and suck it up.

I've gotten over my problems last week by just smiling and getting by. Hopefully something will happen in my life that will make me more happier. I won't be able to see that special someone today, but that's alright, because she hasn't been with her friends in a long time, and she wanted some alone time with them.

On a lighter note, I saw my friend whom I haven't seen since Election Day, Peter Brown. We caught up and he's doing the same old thing, playing World of Warcraft, and whatever else.

I've been writing more, and throwing away more, and reading more. Reading really helps. I already have a good memory, but ever since I started reading more, about a month ago, I feel like I have eidetic memory. It's great.

These past couple of weeks have been going by so fast for me, maybe it's because I just want to get rid of these past shitty weeks I've been having. Whatever, I just don't want to age too fast.

My room is getting more decorative as the days go on.

Another thing I'm happy about, everyone in my entire household is sick except me, because I work to keep my body strong. I don't get sick, except for poisoning, but that doesn't really count, cause it's poisoning.

Random fact of the moment that I randomly know that's interesting; It's against the law to burp or sneeze in churches in Nebraska.

WHAT the hell is going ON with my life. This is ridiculous, I'm usually an upbeat guy but it's like life is pounding me, and is just so persistent.

I swear, if all of this bad stuff keeps on happening to me, I'm going to snap.

I figure I could get my anger out by writing this, I want to be better but I'm so filled with sadness right now, it's going to turn into rage.

Problems are so stupid and so is my life!

So today I got ditched by my friends, and it felt very bad.

Basically I had friends over at my house, and they wanted to talk about something outside. They all went outside and said they would come back in later, but they never did.

So they were just outside talking, not letting me in on the conversation. So obviously they were talking about something that they didn't really want me to know about.

So I waited and waited, and they just left. I felt amazing after that! Hint at the sarcasm.

I was just very very sad and I even came to a very close feeling of tearing, although I did not. I usually don't get angry, and it is very hard to get me angry, but pulling something like that, would make anyone frustrated.

Very sad.

I have trouble publishing this even to the world, but I really want this person, and I can't have her, or yet, and it is very troublesome.

It pains me to know that I can't, for a long time, or even now, but it is annoying as hell.

I can't do anything about it either.

I don't know what else to say, except that is all, and I can't do anything, and I'm very sad about it. Oh well.

Phil's party was a decent one last night. I got him a book and he liked it and I think overall it was a decent experience.

For some reason I ate a ridiculous amount of food as I always do, but this time I just didn't stop. I ate 2 bowls of shrimp and thought I would get like diarrhea or mercury poisoning or something. I'm glad I woke up today and was fine. On top of the shrimp I ate a lot of this bread stuff, a lot of strawberries, and a lot of chips and dip. I eat too much, I should cut down, but I get so hungry all the time.

Although I've been having a somewhat decent vacation and well-off past couple of weeks. I just don't feel right at heart. I don't feel like everything should be going the way it should be. Something is wrong and I don't quite know what. Maybe it's just the conversations that I have been having with people that have influenced my subconscious mind.

Or maybe I'm being stupid and bi-polar for no reason at all. I don't quite understand, but I do know I have to suck it up and move on and force a smile on my face.

I've been falling in love with this game Heavenly Sword. I'm sure a lot of you haven't heard of it, or even seen it or played it, but by god it is a wonderful game!

Maybe the reason why I think it's so good is because I don't get to play it that much, and when I do, I love every part of it.

Yesterday I was helping my friend Phil set up his house for today's party. After eating some of his wonderful amazing food, I played Heavenly Sword on his PS3.

I must say, I have seen some graphically advanced games, but Heavenly Sword tops everything except maybe Crysis. It just looks so goddamn amazing on a vivid HDTV screen. What's even more amazing about the graphics is that everything is in-game. There aren't any of those movie cut scenes, so everything is rendered real-time, it's amazing.

Anyway, I won't do a review on it, it's just a very good game. Play it some time, you'll like it. I hope anyway.

So yesterday, It was a pretty okay day. My friend Jenna and I went to the park and together we started training and exercising. It was great because I *think* she wants to get into parkour. I'm not sure, I'll give it time, but it would be great if she did.

She's a short little girl, but I think she can pull it off, because she's got will power, and that's pretty much all you need. That, and determination. While I was showing her my routine, my friend Stephen came, and we started training all-together and it was great.

Later my other friends Tal and Marat met up with us at the park, and we just did nothing for a bit. Then we all decided to go to my house and do nothing. Originally I wanted to make Belgian Waffles, but we just ended up watching Spongebob and some other weird shows.

After that, we all went into my room, and they answered all the questions on my wall that I told you about in a blog post from months ago. It's great, I have 3 rows of answers, and I plan to turn it into the tens.

After some people left, we all started drawing on my wall, and pasting my first impression papers onto my wall.

This should turn into a huge wall-project. Anyone who comes over should draw whatever they want on my wall, and that would make my life feel just so much better. Freedom of expression to draw anything you want, at it's greatest.

I didn't do much. I walked with my friend Jenna to Anthony's house, from there we pretty much stayed in the house the entire day and did nothing. Almost nothing. We just talked about people, gossiped, shared ideas and whatever, listened to music.

Then more friends came over, and then more, and more, and eventually it became a crowd of about 10 people.

We all started playing Truth or Dare with, and some very interesting truths and some very interesting dares. I won't share anything else, because we all made like a mutual understanding of a promise of how nothing would escape the room.

So it's just memories! Sorry guys, if you want to find out, ask them yourselves.

I was also the only non-single one out of all of my friends, which both saddened me, and made me happy. I think my friends deserve a lot of love, and I got kind of sad for that. But I'm also happy I have someone for myself, whom I deeply care about.

Towards the very end of the night, we all played Scattegories, which is a pretty fun game if you have a lot of people like we did. It tends to get very loud though, that means Anthony yelling a lot.

He might be one of the loudest people I've ever heard.

Then that's when the night ended. Now I'm having oatmeal and I love it.

Supposedly I'm teaching Jenna how to parkour later today.

I don't know about me, but I hope you have a great one! Seriously, everyone deserves love all the time, but even if you don't have one today, go out, and explore, go find someone!

Anything is possible, especially when it comes to romance and love.

The reason I'm so cheery this post, is because I have a valentine of my own, but she's away for today, but it doesn't bother me much. I will miss her, but I hope she has fun.

For all of my she-friends, I'll probably be making them cards, just because. I like making people feel happy, even though they aren't my valentine's, but I think everyone deserves some type of recognition, even if it be from a friend.

Happy Valentine's Day, guys and gals.

It's starting to get warmer! Snow's starting to melt, my grades are getting better, lakes are starting to unfreeze. Things are really warming up really nice, and I'll be able to start getting into sports and stuff more.

February break is coming up next week, and I"ll be able to parkour and do all kinds of fun stuff. I've been trying to get my friends to get more into physical activities with me. My coach in my physical conditioning class is amazing. He taught me so many beneficial exercising techniques and new stuff to do.

Hopefully, I"ll be able to get everyone into doing that stuff more and more, as it warms up. I also really want to play handball or frisbee or football a lot more.

In other news, I'll hopefully see Friday The 13th this friday. With a bunch of friends, although I usually laugh at horror movies, it's kind of weird.

I did another experiment today while I was on the bus. I tried to see how my mind works, kind of, by trying to instantly right down whatever I thought of. I wasn't biased against anything nor did I ever at one point tell myself "I shouldn't write that because it's stupid" or anything like that.

I did not repeat any word twice, and I kept going for a whole full page. It was a little hard because I paused a couple times. I don't know why you would read this or even be interested, maybe you want to take a look at how I switch topics.

This is very interesting to me, because I read a book on how people think and how people switch subjects at random, or not so random depending on what people are thinking. It's a big part of psychology and it interests me, although it might bore you.

Cool, bicycle, tricycle, refrigerator, octopus, squirrels, titan, ship, space, asteroid, chair, congestion, deception, rape, eye, larynx, fuse, bomb, japan, death, ride, cowboy, dirty, vacuum, pornography, laughter, pony, tail, swift, fly, stealth, beauty, jazz, blue, sadness, tailor, artistry, martial, painting, endurance, toughness, abide, law, mission, band, movie, music, stupidity, creed, assassin, joke, names, links, patterns, grunge, false, fake, math, pants, cellphone, pointlessness, idiocy, hypocrisy, annoyance, hearing, rumors, depiction, bell, tower, monks, tradition, religion, wars, money, greed, retardation, school, punk, cliche, niche, groups, work, numbers, universe, conditions, effects, courses, consequences, lies, logical, illogical, coincidences, meetings, likes, loves, thought, small, tiny, hugs, cute, obedience, doubt, remorse, regret, stars, astrology, indecency, dragon, animal, horse, freedom, spirituality, individualism, want, need, appreciation, sports, body, physicality, greatness, psychology, superiority, cleverness, intent, will, biology, strength, speed, height, drugs, loser, stupid, people, humanity, intellectualism, thinking, waiting, hoping, wishing.

I don't know about you, but I learned a little about myself.

I had a lot of fun at a my friend Paige's birthday party. I met people I never knew, as I've only seen Paige once. She is the girlfriend of my best friend. She's a really nice and sweet girl. Her laugh is amazing like Mike's.

Yeah, I met some very interesting people. We played Twister, poker, I DJ'd all the music, we had a lot of talks and conversations.

I haven't that much fun in a long time.

I really liked everyone there, they were so much fun, and such great people. I'm glad I'm a friend of hers, and I hope to hang out with them some more.

This girl Tina goes to NCC, like I do, so I'd like to see her sometime there. This other girl Alex, lives in the city, and I'd like to see her in the city when I can.

Great fun, life just gets better if you stay positive, true story.

I found more personal journals or diaries that I wrote during 2006. Surprising it lasted quite a long time. They start at around early January of 2006, and end at late 2007. That's a long time considering I know how my mind works, and I hate my own writing, I always have.

I'm actually happy I kept some of these as a memento towards my depression during those years. I also found many more articulate writings I wrote, around the time where my mind was coming up with all of these random thoughts.

I would carry a piece of paper around me wherever I went, so that if I had a sudden urge to write one of these ideas that I carried in my head, I'd pull out the paper and start writing anything that came to mind.

In the end I came up with 3 pages of very intricate stuff.

Maybe I'll share them one day.

So today was my friend Andon's day. He's a close friend of mine, and we had a whole bunch of events lined up. Not really, but it was a pretty long day, but a good one.

A lot of people woke up to ride to queens to play paintball. I went inside and the match was 40 dollars, which apparently was a good deal. This was the first time I've ever gone paint balling, so I wouldn't know about these type of things.

We basically started at around 10:00 AM, and we finished around 1:30 PM, so it was a good long run. I was all dominating, and everybody was getting shot, and bullets were flying. It was a lot of fun. I'd definitely like to do it another time. My friend Brandon, is one of those paintball guys I guess, so he brought his own gun, and his own case of paint balls, as well as a mask. He was pretty good.

There was a lot of pain involved too, but it was all in good fun. Everyone was wearing thick layers, and armor protection, and all I wore was just a shirt. I went with just a shirt, cause I thought the paint would be different colors and stuff, so by the end of the day, my shirt would be all colorful. Well, that wasn't the case.

After all that, everybody went to there homes to clean up and whatnot, cause everyone was so tired and exhausted. I was too.

After that, we went to his house for the real party, which was great.

All in all, the day went along very well. I got a very old iPod for my birthday, but I really thank my friend Andon.

Thanks man, and Happy Birthday, I hope you lead a good life.